Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My story ~ Choice and Truth

Ever since I can remember I have always been an extremely discrete individual. Although I was not an unhappy child by appearance, the level of secrecy I withheld in the face of turmoil and chaos was so intense that on one occasion it brought my mother to tears. You see I felt that there was no need to try and explain what I was going through to others because not only was it personal but completely beyond comprehension unless experienced from my perspective. The Truth, however, is I always did have someone there, someone who not only listened but comforted me as well. Whatever I went through or felt, I knew, just knew, that they completely understood. This special One was my perception and feeling of God.

Fast forwarding to the present, I have had a revelation. This revelation is that my life thus far, like many others, is a painting, a story, a type of art that has grown into a powerful conviction, and this conviction is to share my experience because it will help inspire another, and even if it only be one, then great is my contribution to humanity, because to inspire one is to inspire all, as we are connected in ways beyond mechanistic understanding and so I have chose to contribute a piece of my soul with the intention of sharing Love and Truth.

Before formulating any opinions on anyone mentioned in my writing please read it in its entirety an take into account that we are all only human and no one is perfect. We have all done things that we are ashamed of or acted in ways foreign to who we truly are deep within. With that said, my story, as all stories, is a perspective and recollection of the life I have lived. I will humbly do my best to "paint a picture" that will serve to inspire and empower the readers mind while avoiding falling into the trap that we often times do of dramatizing the unessential.

The earliest memory I have of my life is a disturbing one and although I was indeed loved, the childhood that followed was very chaotic. My parents had a terrible relationship and the emotion my sister and I were far too familiar with was fear. I do not care to write on the details of the things that took place but it is vital that the reader knows this piece of information to better understand the content.

When I was a small boy I was petrified of the dark and would frequently see figures of beings which resulted in me hiding myself under my blankets. On one occasion in particular, I can distinctly recall hearing a whisper in my ear. Although I cannot remember the words, the anxiety was incredibly intense. Back then my fear had such a powerful hold on me that I would often pee in the bed because I was too scared to even so much as move.

Once I started school though, these visions and voices slowly faded away. There could be a multitude of reasons as to why I was finally able to move on, but for me as an observer looking back now, it is clearly that school was my "escape". I found a way to release my fear, to forget my problems and to let go. This was not something I jumped into as I was not shore what to expect but once I made the discovery that everyone seemed to enjoy laughter, kindness and friendship, no one more than myself, I allowed it to consume me.

Self reflection is truly a blessing and one of the often times overlooked benefits provided by the hemisphere of our left brain. Looking back on this early experience it provides insight of the two powers that govern all of humanity and quite possibly the entire Universe. Love and fear, or to make it simpler without allowing any conflict of possible learnt prejudices or distortions we may have adopted in regards to these two words, positive energy and negative energy. The negative energy I felt and experienced was so intense that it created my perception of reality to such an extent that I clearly saw both what appeared and even sounded like "evil" ghosts, but once I gave myself to positive energy these visions gradually disappeared. As many great minds have known in the past, and now even being confirmed by science, it is the mind that sees and not the eyes, therefore a mind rooted in fear will see fear and one rooted in Love will see Love.

During the 4th grade, or what was known back then as standard 2, we moved from our town house to a beautiful home closer to other family. I had several cousins around my age growing up and very strong connections with them, one of which I now would be attending school with. He was one year older and unlike my own defiant ways which were effects, more often than not, of an unjust source, he was blatantly defiant. This behaviour seemed to be very liberating and expressive and indeed left a strong impression on me. Over the next few years I became very disruptive and rebellious toward any and all forms of authority, it was also at this time that I became acquainted with alcohol. My cousin and I started drinking and partying at the very young age of 10 and 11 and over the next 2-3 years we were inseparable. However, my "bad" behaviour would not go without consequence, resulting in me being relocated to a new school and my cousin and I slowly drifted apart. At this point in my life though, I was extremely happy but my drinking started to become a serious problem. Alcohol was very liberating for me, it made me feel supremely confident and simply put, invincible. I was only 13 but partying with beautiful girls regularly, sometimes ranging between the ages of 16 and 18. I was well respected for my uncanny strong will and courage at such a young age, and many urban legends would be born in down town Johannesburg circulating my "family" of friends. But this artificial faith that I enjoyed so much was simply laying the foundation on which I would some day reflect for a much greater battle and lesson than I had ever experienced before.

Like most parents (at least back then) there was always talk of moving to America, "the land of opportunity". Johannesburg, South Africa at this time was considered to have the highest crime rate in the world and unlike many other countries where this is heard on TV or seen in newspapers, these stories were, and still are, experienced by everyone on a personal level. The announcement that we would be moving was made but I did not care much because this to me was a very familiar tune but much to my surprise, the tune would soon change and what was just talk had become reality. I had about 2 months if my memory serves me correctly, to say good bye to a place and people I had grown to love with all my heart. My cousins and I quickly banded back together and our comprehension of time and its value changed forever as we regretfully wished for the time spent apart to be refunded. This indeed was a great lesson my friends, live today wisely.

I showed no hostility towards moving because I had developed the understanding that my parents were only human and were probably more fearful than I was. I also tried to shut it out, but nevertheless the day found me. September 20th, 1998 the day I left South Africa. I remember the day well, down to the slightest detail and even the energy that filled every ones hearts as we took a picture in my uncles backyard before we made our emotional departure to the airport. You see, we were moving to America like many others, illegally, and this is why good byes were made else where, to not create suspicion. (for those who are not aware, back then America was an extremely difficult place to get into, especially for two South Africans that never graduated high school) And so it was done, the decision was made to give up everything we knew to go explore the mythical land of America. Little did Gavin know that his perception and reality was about to be rocked, and my schooling from "the hard knocks of life" was only just beginning.

We arrived in Miami, Florida and when I stepped off the plane, it was as if I stepped into an alternate reality. The strange voices I had so often heard in the movies were now in front of me as if I were in a movie. We collected our luggage and then stepped outside only to me smacked in the face by a thick wave of heat that seemed to be radiating from the ground. My uncle, who had moved about a decade prior to our arrival, laughed and explained it was something called humidity. We drove down to Tampa, which is about a 4 hour drive and much to my disliking and shock there were trees everywhere, everything was flat, there were no mountains, no hills, just trees and signs for alligators?! I remember thinking, "where are the beaches...The bikinis.... Disney land and all the buildings? You see, Johannesburg is one of the 40 biggest metropolitan areas in the world, this interesting bit of information however, I was not aware of at the time and believed that where I was from would pale in comparison to Florida. As you can imagine this was a shocking discovery but only a tiny preview of how wide my mind would soon be stretched.

Growing up I found my "identity", like most, in labels or social status. These labels included being Portuguese (which I am only half of but where I grew up it was cool to be Portuguese and so I would cling to this inheritance), being from Johannesburg and being a Nascimento (surname/last name). When I started school in America these labels no longer held any value. For legal purposes I now had to go by my mothers surname which I never liked, the beneficial stereotypes of being Portuguese were no longer "real", no one even had ever heard of Johannesburg and when people heard South Africa, I was bombarded with ignorance. "Did you have lions in your backyard?", "Why aren't you black?", "Did you wear clothes". As comical as this is looking back now,  at the time I was not amused at all. It was clear that this school did not care for educating  people about where I was from and this offended me. Overall, as you can imagine, I felt very lost and angry, everything I was (according to my ego) had just disappeared over night. In addition to these "losses", I gained new knowledge of a new world that seemed to be dominated by conformity and prejudice. Unlike South Africa, in this particular school, kids did not wear school uniforms, however, instead of embracing this freedom they would form groups and dress the same, talk the same, listen to the same music and basically strive to only be one dimensional. As you can imagine I stuck out like an orange on an apple tree.

Over the next several years, like most humans in a particular environment, found myself conforming. I was living 2 lives, Gavin at home and an American version of Gavin at school. Although things were improving dramatically in my personal relationships with my family at home, this pretending by day while staying true at night was driving me further and further apart from within. I soon developed a terrible case of acne and looking back on this experience, my whole family was terribly home sick and collectively depressed, America was not what any of us anticipated. My parents were working jobs for less than minimum wage and they too, along with my sister, were experiencing culture shock which is interpreted by many neurologists as brain shock. Due to the severity of my acne, looking back on this event it represents, in my eyes, the effects the internal state has on the physical body.

I became more disruptive and in time, entirely uninterested in school, constantly being suspended or not showing up. these events however, were not as detrimental as one may interpret as I found an outlet in the form of basketball. I would spend countless hours practicing, often times dribbling for miles at a time throughout different streets as late as 1 or 2 o'clock in the morning. To this day this serves as a reminder of the power of focus directed intensely. The improvement I had made was so dramatic in fact, that the coach of the new school I would soon attend (for getting in trouble and not showing up) claimed that he could organize a scholarship if I could make grades.

Upon arrival in this small neighboring town there would be a girl that caught my eye. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and so over the next 2 years I created an image and delusion that would be equivocal to only that of a Mother Teresa or Princess Diana! Within the first few days I had been coined "And 1" which was in relation to my style of "street" basketball and looking back now I made this my life, my clothes, my thoughts, and my "identity". But my time spent here would serve as a vital stepping stone to truly understanding what "identity" really is.

The next great lesson for the evolution of my mind arrived in my world cultural geography class. The topic and chapter would, at face value, be a familiar one, my home country, South Africa. As the teacher began to "educate" the class it was clearly distorted or plain wrong. He announced that there was physical enslavement of blacks?! That half of the country was white and the other half black?(These are just two of the things I recall) During this crap, everyone would flood me with aggressive questions, "are you a slave holder?" "do you hate black people?" Although I understood based on what they "learned" the questions were understandable, this all infuriated me, I was forced into a corner and although I objected nervously, the words didn't come out in a fluid way and who were they going to believe... the "evil slave holder" or a textbook that is based on "fact". You see growing up, my sister and I were sheltered like many other kids at that time from apartheid. My mother put us in a multiracial school from 1st grade and some of my best friends were black. Although my experience was not one of segregation I was aware of what apartheid was and knew that steps for it to be eliminated had started over a decade prior to the date of those text books release, followed by its official ending which was also 7 years prior to those pages of ignorance. Regardless of this information, I lived there, I experienced life there first hand and  these lies not only made me look like a horrible human being but were distorting another countries view on my whole country. This prompted me that same day, to research as much information as I could and return with several reliable sources that would dismiss the "facts" of the text book. After all my effort, the teacher did not so much as even open it and politely refused to share it with the class because "it is not allowed". This forever will be the day I learned that the majority if not all schools and governments promote ignorance.

Around this time, I began to seek knowledge from the Bible, and looking back on a diary I kept, on June 2nd, 2001 I wrote "I've gotten finished reading Proverbs and Ecclesiastes theres alot of knowledge in these books, it helps me understand my life and 'life' period." I mention this because it is of interest to the reader. I would in time read the Bible in its entirety on several occasions, which did help me evolve my mind but only to a certain extent.

Digressing back to the lesson about the girl that had captured my attention. After about my 1 year anniversary in the U.S. because I was so engaged in my new outlet of basketball, I had little to no concern for girls and would constantly pass up opportunities because of my lack of interest. This girl however, had sparked my curiosity and after roughly 2 years of building her up into "wonder women" we eventually crossed paths. We came from 2 very different worlds, her parents had migrated from Albania, had an arranged marriage and had strict traditional Muslim beliefs. She would have to lie constantly just to get the smallest glimpse of freedom from her sheltered life and I, on the other hand, was from a place that is very much lawless, never had a curfew growing up, would roam the streets until the early hours of the morning if I chose to, had drank and partied like a college kid before I even hit my teens and was raised loosely in the Christian belief system. In addition I had been exposed to my parents infidelity and this left a strong impression on me. I finally chose to let my guard down entirely because, although only 17, I had fallen in what I perceived as love, and without doubt or prejudice truly believed that I would marry this girl. The emotions I felt were beyond anything I had ever experienced, even with alcohol,  and I chose to push all my fear aside and surrender to it. This though, would prove to be the source and cause of several years of pain and chaos. The relationship itself would last only about a year and was an emotional roalercoaster, but what I am referring to is the effects of my internal state on the external world in the weeks, months and years to come.

For the first time, I had no outlet for my energy within that would suffice. I had no appetite for food, was deeply depressed and became extremely self destructive. I turned to marijuana and alcohol but as my tolerance grew so did my anger and paranoia, I found myself in many physical confrontations and although I had been prone to violence against those who were bullies from a very young age, I never allowed it to consume my character and believe it was who I was. But my internal state of anger and rage would prove to be too strong. I lost myself in the darkness and drifted away from my true friends while befriending others for the temporary escapes they offered my mind. I was constantly getting in brawls over the most trivial matters that would always result in more self inflicted pain. On one occasion I recall being pulled away from a fight at school from what I perceived at the time to be one of the cops. I raised my hands to demonstrate my compliance and in turn was slammed to the ground while another kid ran up and kicked me in the mouth. Shortly after, when the frenzy was broken up much to my surprise the culprit was an acquaintance who had greeted me just the evening before at the local Winn Dixie. The "group" of friends I was hanging out with at the time, when told the news, affirmed that had they been there this would have never happened. Ironically just a few weeks later their opportunity would arise. What started as a one on one confrontation at a hotel party ended up with me, as many times before, getting jumped while the group of "friends", who clearly outnumbered the group of kids that jumped me turned a blind eye. The beating incurred was so severe that I could not open my left eye the next day, my cheek bone was swollen out as far as my nose and by my mothers orders to go to the doctor the next day when I awoke, was asked if I had been hit by a baseball bat. Shortly after this experience I was blindsided by a pair of brass knuckles in a very dishonourable act at a party. There are, in fact, many other disturbing stories like these but to go on about it would be a tad bit dramatic and counterproductive. I only disclose such details to help the reader understand that at this time I had lost all faith in humanity, became intensely cynical and reasoned out of my ignorance that life was a trial period and I was one of the very few good people alive.

Shortly after these events I was expelled from school for standing my grounds alone against several other kids, which only fueled my negativity and belief that I was meant to suffer in this world. I did however, find new drive and focus for the time being from the assistant principle who had proclaimed I would end up in jail and never graduate. This of course pushed me to earn my diploma in night school. I did though, learn a valuable lesson, that my "love" for this girl existed in my mind and in order to overcome it I would have to win the battle on these grounds, unfortunately I was not yet wise enough to apply this to all areas of my life. The rest of the lessons to be learned would be found in the future, through the power of self reflection. In the midst of all this, my parents chose to finally go there separate ways. Although as a young child my sister and I pleaded for them to disband, my feelings were no longer the same, not for my own sake, but rather because my father had changed radically, he had been humbled and his perception altered. Nevertheless the choice was made.

Shortly after this period of time (towards the end of 2003) things were not good as clearly indicated in my personal diary on December 28th "My life is falling apart, my dad sounds like he wants to cry every time I'm on the phone with him. I've heard him tell me he wants to die, then my mom is always going out, not coming home sometimes, getting f***** up all the time and now she has no money, my dad has no money either. My sister is always crying and is on the edge and me I'm high every day not doing s*** with my life. On top of this I'm still illegal and can't get a job." As you can imagine, I was in a deep state of depression and the only outlet I had foolishly chosen was alcohol and weed. I would be alone most of the time and obsess over all the negativity in my life. I was filled with so much darkness that I believed life was a deliberate test of endurance to make it to "heaven" and I no longer wanted to live. In fact the only reason why I did not take my life is because I believed in "hell" and also did not want my family to suffer the consequences of such selfish actions. I would play out scenes of fights or people picking on me without reason in my mind while in a social setting that involved human contact and was functioning day to day purely and fear. As any neuroscientist or psychologist will tell you, this type of thinking is toxic to the mind. In time I would be tormented from within and consumed with anxiety so powerful and enslaving that I could not go to the store to make a simple purchase.To cope with this intense fear of everything I would drink and smoke daily until I was incoherent, not realizing that I was fueling the illusion of fear, allowing it to become my root and master.

At the age of 20, in much need of a car, I finally found a job working under the table for a carpet installer, this particular individual however, was very much like my father when we lived in South Africa. He smoked crack and was extremely rude and demeaning. Looking back on this I feel as though my internal state some how attracted this relationship. For roughly a year straight I was intoxicated from when I woke up until I went to sleep and became very disconnected both socially and within, in my efforts to avoid fear. Some good news would arrive though, when I received my working authorization and got a 2nd job at burger king, also, my mother met someone, a good man that treated her well and she made the choice to move to England. This by traditional standards or a limited perspective may not sound like good news but I was fully aware of the adversity my mother endured throughout her life, I knew she had never truly known peace and I knew in order to preserve what sanity she had left, needed to go.

I then chose to take my best friend, my cat, and move in with my boss. Much to my dislike I ended up moving into a flea infested house, in which I never knew a single night of rest, in addition because of my own foolish choice and ignorance, my cat and closest friend would end up dying. My father and sister, concerned for my well being proposed I go to visit my sister in Fort Lauderdale for a holiday and then my mother in England. A glimpse of much needed light had finally showed and I gladly accepted. What ensued was a holiday that I will always treasure and although I spent every last penny I had saved for a car, upon my return I found that my dad had bought my mothers old car and gave it to me. This forever will represent the undying Love and light that those closest to you have and also that when you give your all, I mean literally your ALL, you will reap the benefits.

When I arrived back in the States I moved into an apartment with my sister and began working out intensely using it as my focal point and drive in hopes of some day becoming a boxer. Although this was a positive outlet and in time would serve as a pathway to greater possibilities, drinking was still a major problem. Thanks to my sister I had landed a good job working for the auto finance industry but due to my disconnect from within, this would simply fuel my bad habits. Over the next several years while experiencing many fights, car accidents, arrests, and drunkard black outs, I finally quit smoking weed and  gradually began to cut back on my alcohol consumption to eventually once a week and instead chose to focus on my health and physical fitness.

Landing this new job would be imperative in order to help regain and rehabilitate my social skills. Although things were greatly improving for me, especially physically, I was only focusing my energy on physical improvement and my thought patterns were still deeply rooted in fear and my anxiety was so intense that I literally did not know if I could make it through the day. At this time of desperate need I developed a good work relationship with my manager. I believed him to be an ethical person and was greatly impressed with the way he carried himself. Soon he would suggest a book to me called "The 48 Laws Of Power". I was skeptical at first because the only reading I had found engaging prior was the Bible. I synonymously thought of books as boring because of my experiences in high school, but nonetheless I took it.

Much to the shock of my "ego", I did not know it all, this book had broadened my perspective and opened a new door in my life that I would never close again. Because my thoughts were still deeply rooted in fear, and the book is quite cynical in some aspects, this was simply a wonderful addition to my defensive arsenal. Soon after I decided to buy another of the authors book, "The Art Of Seduction" and after reading this powerful book would change my perspective on the distortion of what many consider love. This too was a great addition to my defensive philosophy and I chose to become a student of psychology, feeding my mind relentlessly with anything I could get my hands on. One night, in search of new knowledge, I came across a book entitled "The Brain That Changes Itself". The reviews claimed that there were proven methods of overcoming anxiety and a variety of other disorders without pills and so, without hesitation, I made my purchase.

This book had a tremendous impact on my life, it revealed that our brains cannot differentiate between thought and reality! It was then that I realized in my "world" I was fighting and being picked on every day. I was creating enemies that did not exist! My mind was not just working against me, it was destroying me and so I made the commitment from that moment to be consciously aware of this and counter it. I began to reflect on my life and the lives of others, realizing that I was so angry and fearful because of ignorance. I then challenged my cynicism and reasoned that perhaps people seem to be bad because of miscommunication on my part and also on theirs? Not long after, by "accident", I crossed paths with a very thick book entitled "The Science Of Mind" I opened the book and its content did not sound very interesting, however, something, if only myself deep within or God Itself, told me to get this book and so I did.

"The Science Of Mind" from Ernest Holmes would stretch my mind to a higher level of consciousness. He explained stories from the Bible in ways I had never thought of or heard about from others, which was agreeable to ethical reason and morality. Holmes explained the Law of attraction which made perfect sense. These new books had forced me to take a deeper look at my life, my child hood, my relationships with my dad, mother, etc. I became engulfed with knowing myself and learning why I thought the way I did so I could make my mind work for me instead of against me. I concluded that all people are good deep within but are just lost. I learnt that my thoughts were not just impacting my life they were creating my circumstances!

I decided to retreat into solitude to discover myself and reconnect with God. I stopped watching TV, read daily, conversed from within and pushed myself to the limits and beyond in the gym. While applying these techniques I would get my first motorcycle, which opened up a door of freedom that has changed my life in a beautiful way. I also got a beautiful pit bull terrier absolutely free, when I did because I wanted to be the best owner I could for this gorgeous and powerful animal, decided to get a book written by the gifted Cesar Milan. "Be the pack leader" was an amazing read and like "The Science Of Mind" pointed out that our internal state and energy within has a far greater effect than we realize. This for me was clearly an opportunity to help me concentrate on calming my inner being. In addition  I landed a new position in the company, one that was not only easier but of a higher paying salary too. This, from my perspective, was clearly a result of my new found understanding of the Universal Law of attraction that Holmes had spoken of. It had all become so clear to me, and just as Holmes had passed the Truth and empowerment that freed me from mental enslavement, so too I knew I had to do the same for others and began combining my life experiences with the teachings of the Bible along with other books I had more recently incorporated into my character. These thoughts were first taken to paper and then my computer, saving the content in my email drafts folder, as my ambition would ultimately be to have a non profit site dedicated to empowering people. During this period I had a powerful dream that I am shore will never be forgotten. I found myself in a world that was conglomerate to the movies "The Matrix" and "Inception". What makes this especially strange is Inception had not been made yet and The Matrix was a movie I saw when it came out in theaters, but its content went completely over my head and I had never given any thought of it since. I found myself creating effortlessly based on my thoughts and more so feelings, I created both what was Percieved as "evil" and "good" depending on how I felt and thought. This indeed was an extremely liberating and empowering experience. I felt fully conscious in my dream and in time became aware that I was asleep. I then chose to push the boundaries of the "dream world" too and jumped out of a very tall building, creating the "falling dream", however, upon hitting the ground I did not awake which confirmed my theory that I could do whatever I wanted if I believed it. Shortly after I awoke. As my imagination expanded so did the "to be" content of the site, I decided that quotes would be a great addition and started collecting them. In the process I began buying even more books from these great minds which served to broaden my understanding even more! My vision would continue to grow and inspired by more quotes decided to study other religions and show the comparisons of Love and unity for all people, implying we all want the same thing and all are good deep within.

My focus was consciously directed and intense, I was a mind on a mission. As I was nearing completion of the sites "to be" content however, I was sideswiped by a beautiful women with a heart to match. We began to spend time together and like any relationship, it required time and energy, which conflicted with my intention of creating the website. I, though, was happy to do this because of the intoxicating emotions experienced while in her presence. I soon was faced with another individuals ambitions for life, these included marriage and children and because I had lost touch with my own ambitions felt the obligation to make a choice out of the fear of losing this women and the feeling she provided for me. I agreed vaguely by saying that perhaps I would be, but knew this was foolish as it is not simply a switch that can be turned on or off.

Not surprising to an outside perspective we began experiencing problems due to my lack of interest in wanting kids and drifted apart. This bothered me and the anxiety and depression I had almost rid of seemed to once again reep in and gain the upper hand. I did not foolishly turn to alcohol but my internal state would indeed determine my external circumstances. On the way home from work one night, driven by anger and irrationality, I took a corner at a very high rate of speed and a car turned in front of me and froze. The combination of speed, surprise and imbalance from leaning my motorbike in the corner would prove to be too much and I soon found myself flying in the air, this though, was to be a miraculous experience. While airborne, time literally felt as if it stood still, I became very calm and still within and was assured in this peaceful state that I could never die. Once I finally hit the ground, I sprung back up out of concern for my bike not realizing that it was considered "totaled". Either from late shock or getting up too fast, I became light headed and passed out. Upon regaining consciousness I was bombarded with questions about my physical and mental state but I was fine, inside I was at peace. In fact my concern was with comforting everyone else who were acting fanatical. Perhaps because of my care free response to the event that had just transpired I was shown no mercy and hit with a reckless driving charge from a 3rd parties testimony who I had overtaken about a mile or so before the actual crash site.

The beautiful and harmonious peace I felt within was to be short lived as the results of my accident were yet to be felt. I had injured my leg and shoulder and could no longer train and became careless with my health indulging in junk food and self pity. The women I had loved though, out of the kindness of her heart decided to care for me and upon nearing recovery I decided to take her out to Orlando, to a restaurant she had spoke of in the past. Things between us were far beyond repair and we began to clash, to escape this anxiety I began to drink and later on that night, after my internal state brewed with negative energy we went to a night club. Being that I had my license taken away from the bike accident, I brought my newly awarded green card (which is quite the story too) but I was not permitted entry because it was against policy. Like any drunken fool, I expressed my outrage by swearing and demanding I speak with a higher authority. In turn a 2nd bouncer, who even in my intoxicated state was very irrational, tried to intimidate me with size and force. In response I chest bumped him and the moment I did was tackled from both front and back while being handcuffed by the cops. They were extremely forceful and not only did they re injure my shoulder, they broke my nose too. This only intensified my anger and I chose to attack them psychologically, challenging there morality and ethics, labeling them corrupt, tyrannical and the root cause of peoples fear. Eventually they had enough, removed my shoes and socks and confined me to the "icebox", a cell that is extremely cold and regardless of how tired you get cannot fall asleep. They serve no food and completely ignore you. Observing those subject to the same punishment, you will notice that people break down psychologically, one of which began to bang his head against the wall. This inhumane treatment is only a glimpse of the every day lives of prisoners, and who wouldn't lose their minds if exposed to this daily? After my eventual release I had come to find I had been charged with a "battery on a police official" this of course left me perplexed and with my heart in my stomach. Turns out the irrational bouncer was an undercover cop and not only did he lie on his statement but so did the other two who claimed they were witnesses. I couldn't believe that these liars were aiming to get me thrown in jail over absolutely nothing! The women that I was with and friend I had met in Orlando told me to "just get an attorney" but I knew this would not work, not only did I not have the money for one but I knew the game, it's them against me. Many of those cops know the judges they see in court personally and even if they didn't, they play on the same team, what does the judge know about me? That I was arrested previously on 3 occasions for defending myself against several people which is plainly labeled as "disorderly conduct" or that I have a DUI because I am a recovering alcoholic. After weighing my options (which didn't take long) I began to plan for my departure to either England or South Africa as the average sentence I was facing was three and a half years long. Needless to say, I was beside myself. Everything was chaotic. My hopes for "love" were not to be, I destroyed my bike, could no longer engage in working out  and now was facing 2 charges in 2 different counties, one of which was completely unjust and carrying jail time!

Staying true to my discreet principles, I managed to cover up all the chaos of my life to outsiders. I mention this because during this period of time a good friend, unaware of my circumstances, suggested a book to me, that would truly be food and water for my soul.  This book would echo the teachings of "The Science Of The Mind", the Truths I had allowed to fade away in my illusion of reality. "Conversations With God" reminded me, our thoughts are even more real than things because after all, without thoughts there are no things. At this time it became crystal clear, that everything that happened in my life was for this reason, that once again my internal state being chaotic was creating chaos, and so without any doubt I knew in my heart, in my soul, in my inner being that these external factors could not exist without the energy of my mind. I decided to clear my mind and to focus on purifying within while also ignoring all the chaos. I told the few that knew of these events to not think of it, not talk of it, not even pray about it, but that if they were to think of me, to think of me as happy and content.

I once again became intensely focused on my personal well being and the creation of the website, or translated, my contribution to humanity. With this clear understanding of the energy of the mind, I began taking my personal trainers certificate because working for the corporate world I deemed a waste of a mind, and more so from my perspective, a loss for a contribution to the world. During this time, while online, I came across a clip from The Matrix and immediately thought of my dream. I decided to watch it but this time attentively and it too had a huge impact on my being. After adding a few more books and DVD's to my minds library and creating reminders to reinforce Truth, I would finally earn my degree from the school of life when, just as anticipated, both the reckless driving and battery charges were thrown out. In addition I would return to physical training, elevating myself to new heights, but the greatest achievement of all was my conquest of alcohol and with it the delusion of fear!

A few years prior to all this I worked for a specialty group that would be eliminated. As an ultimatum we were given the option of either taking a lower position in the company or taking several weeks pay and a severance package. As I neared completion of my personal training certificate I had thought how perfect it would be if I could have such a scenario, I could then finally put the finishing touches on the site and make this thought into an actual thing. Not long after these hopes and feelings, we were indeed presented with this exact scenario! This, even with my new found comprehension, was truly amazing and although I felt bad for those who were fearful and enslaved by the system, and more so their own minds, felt that this was a gift and took advantage.

In conclusion I have learnt that most parental figures do what they can and it is simply a choice that will allow our past to empower or disempower us. I now understand adversity is essential for growth, those who have done me "wrong" have served the purpose of this equation. All of life indeed is a process of evolving, both individually and collectively, and in order to have the greatest impact we can on this process, we ought move in that order. I have learnt that the fruits given by focus and eternity will only truly be tasted by choosing to be fully conscious and aware of the present moment. I have learnt that the way to find happiness, simply is happiness. This can only be achieved internally and so we must quiet the 5 senses and listen attentively to the "6th", feeding and empowering it, only then will we gradually arrive at the very basic conclusion that unless our  internal being is well, nothing, absolutely nothing will be well, and equally, if it is, everything will be. I have discovered true genius lies in imagination, a resource that is bountiful to us all, but this creative power can never truly be realized unless accompanied with faith and diligence, and the only way to tap into these natural wonders is once again, simply through choice. I have learnt that there is a delusion of love enforced through the fog of a dysfunctional "reality" one which implies happiness and completion is to be found in another. As mentioned before, true happiness can only be found within, only then will we truly understand what Love is and only then will we be able to share it. I have learnt that Love gives life, health, abundance and freedom to all of creation providing contentment within, signifying a natural state of being, but hate, anger, rage do just the opposite, however, to truly know the first you must meet with the second, and to break the manipulative bond of the second you must become One with the first. I have learnt we are all the same deep within but have been conditioned to believe in delusions which can only be undone by opening our minds and choosing to relentlessly seek Truth and be governed by reason and morality from within. I now also understand that ignorance has and always will be the self indulgent root cause of fear, prejudice, anger, distrust and all negative energy, but by simply choosing to seek Love and Truth and become intimately acquainted with these forces is to liberate ones mind, reconnect with our true nature and understand God. I have learnt my friends that I am still learning and always will be unless I make the choice not to, and finally I have learnt that the key to Truth is only a Choice, and so I hope based on this testimony you choose Love and you choose to be the change you wish to see in the world ; )

No comments:

Post a Comment